The Girl in Black

Se necesita una poca de gracia.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

The Fallout From Introspection

It has been suggested to me by a certain person (who is very silly and refuses to be a part of the online community) that I shouldn't be nearly so introspective because it leads to a lifetime of being nothing but an angst-ridden individual. I find this to be true at times, and very prudent advice. However, I know better than to apply this philosophy to my behavior at all times.

The only problem is that there are side effects. Namely a wish to share my newfound revelations with just about anyone who will listen, and an anxiety that honestly no one really wants to hear it.

Fuck you, voices in my head. I want to share. But I will try to keep this brief. It seems that most people become uncomfortable when someone wants to share what's on the inside, because they don't know what to say and quite possibly don't want to hold up the dark mirror to their own selves.

All of the words I have just written are a defense.

In fact, most of how I am with other people is a defense. Not everything. There is honest laughter, excitement, and joy that is shared between myself and my friends. There are honest moments late at night where we tell each other what we really think and what is really going on. There is teasing that is honestly good-natured. But therein lies a conundrum.

How much of joking around with others, talking about other people's problems, and bitching about life in general is just a defense against what's there that we don't want to see? Myself, I am constantly talking. Explaining, defending, stating negative or absolute opinions. "You can't tell me anything that I don't already know, so fuck off." This is how I have learned to get by.

The truth of the matter is that I am a sensitive, caring soul. I never understood why others around me were so mean. Or why they could never take the time to ask why I was crying when I was younger. I've been telling concerned and curious friends that I have been going through "childhood issues," but I honestly abhor that term. It's quite cliche, and doesn't really express the catharsis that I have recently had.

The truth of the matter is that I have been a passive aggressive person for most of my life. The truth is that I was taught how to be this way. In one aspect, there is the argument that I chose to continue this behavior. But in thinking about it more, this is not something I can blame myself for in the past. Now that I have held up the dark mirror to my own soul and seen myself for what I am, and seen why I have been the way that I have, now in this moment if I choose to continue with this behavior I only have myself to blame.

My formative years were frought with misunderstanding, lonliness, and a lack of emotional support from those whom I depended upon for it. Frankly, it was a really shitty way to grow up. And that's not okay. It never was, and it never will be. What is "okay" about it is that I can recognize now that it was not intentional, and that I'm not that person anymore, and I am safe to be myself.

I've lived with this pain for so long that it became an underlying part of my every waking moment. Even when I thought I was "fine" I found people to reinforce the negative experiences that I had. Even if the people I found really weren't reinforcing my negative experiences, my mind made sure that I thought they were. I built up a lot of walls. So much so that I thought these walls were myself.

Despite my intelligence, I never learned how to think. I submerged myself in the personalities and thoughts of others. I never knew what to do until someone told me what to do. In the back of my head I had my own opinions and thoughts, but because of a constant reinforcement that these thoughts and opinions didn't matter. I held my tongue to the people that I needed to say things to, and instead said things to "safe" people who had no stake in my situation.

I knew I was doing this the whole time, but I didn't know how to stop until now. So now I'm stopping.

I'm laying all of this out for two reasons. The first and most important one is that I am saying this for myself, taking responsibility for all that has transgressed by my own hand regardless of blame. Not that many people would notice, but I am writing with a different voice than usual. I am being as honest as possible, and the words are coming from a different place within me.

The second reason is that I have a hope that my insights and my experiences will help others in the same situation. Not that I can help them completely, or force others to "wake up" when they would rather not. But I want to tell others that it's okay to admit these things, and that it's possible to deal with them. I want to hear from others who have been through what I am going through, so that I can learn and feel accepted myself. I can't stand to go along in life with things left unsaid, especially when I feel that they should be.

And if no one else is going to say anything, you can bet your ass that I will.

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