The Girl in Black

Se necesita una poca de gracia.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

The Fallout From Introspection

It has been suggested to me by a certain person (who is very silly and refuses to be a part of the online community) that I shouldn't be nearly so introspective because it leads to a lifetime of being nothing but an angst-ridden individual. I find this to be true at times, and very prudent advice. However, I know better than to apply this philosophy to my behavior at all times.

The only problem is that there are side effects. Namely a wish to share my newfound revelations with just about anyone who will listen, and an anxiety that honestly no one really wants to hear it.

Fuck you, voices in my head. I want to share. But I will try to keep this brief. It seems that most people become uncomfortable when someone wants to share what's on the inside, because they don't know what to say and quite possibly don't want to hold up the dark mirror to their own selves.

All of the words I have just written are a defense.

In fact, most of how I am with other people is a defense. Not everything. There is honest laughter, excitement, and joy that is shared between myself and my friends. There are honest moments late at night where we tell each other what we really think and what is really going on. There is teasing that is honestly good-natured. But therein lies a conundrum.

How much of joking around with others, talking about other people's problems, and bitching about life in general is just a defense against what's there that we don't want to see? Myself, I am constantly talking. Explaining, defending, stating negative or absolute opinions. "You can't tell me anything that I don't already know, so fuck off." This is how I have learned to get by.

The truth of the matter is that I am a sensitive, caring soul. I never understood why others around me were so mean. Or why they could never take the time to ask why I was crying when I was younger. I've been telling concerned and curious friends that I have been going through "childhood issues," but I honestly abhor that term. It's quite cliche, and doesn't really express the catharsis that I have recently had.

The truth of the matter is that I have been a passive aggressive person for most of my life. The truth is that I was taught how to be this way. In one aspect, there is the argument that I chose to continue this behavior. But in thinking about it more, this is not something I can blame myself for in the past. Now that I have held up the dark mirror to my own soul and seen myself for what I am, and seen why I have been the way that I have, now in this moment if I choose to continue with this behavior I only have myself to blame.

My formative years were frought with misunderstanding, lonliness, and a lack of emotional support from those whom I depended upon for it. Frankly, it was a really shitty way to grow up. And that's not okay. It never was, and it never will be. What is "okay" about it is that I can recognize now that it was not intentional, and that I'm not that person anymore, and I am safe to be myself.

I've lived with this pain for so long that it became an underlying part of my every waking moment. Even when I thought I was "fine" I found people to reinforce the negative experiences that I had. Even if the people I found really weren't reinforcing my negative experiences, my mind made sure that I thought they were. I built up a lot of walls. So much so that I thought these walls were myself.

Despite my intelligence, I never learned how to think. I submerged myself in the personalities and thoughts of others. I never knew what to do until someone told me what to do. In the back of my head I had my own opinions and thoughts, but because of a constant reinforcement that these thoughts and opinions didn't matter. I held my tongue to the people that I needed to say things to, and instead said things to "safe" people who had no stake in my situation.

I knew I was doing this the whole time, but I didn't know how to stop until now. So now I'm stopping.

I'm laying all of this out for two reasons. The first and most important one is that I am saying this for myself, taking responsibility for all that has transgressed by my own hand regardless of blame. Not that many people would notice, but I am writing with a different voice than usual. I am being as honest as possible, and the words are coming from a different place within me.

The second reason is that I have a hope that my insights and my experiences will help others in the same situation. Not that I can help them completely, or force others to "wake up" when they would rather not. But I want to tell others that it's okay to admit these things, and that it's possible to deal with them. I want to hear from others who have been through what I am going through, so that I can learn and feel accepted myself. I can't stand to go along in life with things left unsaid, especially when I feel that they should be.

And if no one else is going to say anything, you can bet your ass that I will.

Friday, February 17, 2006


News so awesome, I had to get out of bed early:

Dada comes to America

Just in time for the road trip I have planned up to D.C.! I am sooo excited!

*does happy dance*

Sunday, February 05, 2006

We should all write intelligent quotes in glitter text

MySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace Layouts
MySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace Layouts
MySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace Layouts
MySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace Layouts
MySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace Layouts
MySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace Layouts
MySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace Layouts
MySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace Layouts

-Manic Street Preachers

I made this with the Glitter Word Generator. You should go there and make your own intelligent glitter quotes. I quoted Neitzsche earlier on MySpace. I wonder if they'll get annoyed with all of these long quotes...

Thursday, February 02, 2006

carcasherdotcom seocontest - watch Google work!

So what the hell does "carcasherdotcom seocontest" mean?

To you? Nothing. Unless you're into SEO. (That's Search Engine Optimization btw.)

To me? Mild interest and amusement. Except for this:

The Lactivist is involved, and "lactivism" is cool.

The Lactivist is a hot mamma on a mission! She's a donator to and an advocate for milk banking, a process wherein nursing mothers donate their breast milk to organizations that give it to babies that need it. It sounds strange, true, but this is apparently real. Sometimes there really are babies out there who aren't getting breast milk from their moms, and I'm not all that down with the idea of "baby formula" myself. If I were ever to be a mom, I wouldn't want to use formula unless I absolutely had to.

But this is where the cool factor comes in. She has some of the funniest shirts about breastfeeding! This is why I give the woman props. Anyone who has a sense of humor as irreverent as my own earns my admiration and respect.

So I want to help out her cause. This is where carcasherdotcom seocontest comes in. See, there's this silly little SEO pissing contest out there to find out who's Kung-Fu is better. There are prizes involved, including cash offerings and an iPod, and The Lactivist (whose "day job" is SEO) has vowed to enter the contest and donate the winnings to milk banks. And as we all know, the best way to mess with the search engines is to link to web pages using certain phrases.

So here's the deal. If you wanna help her win, link to this page:

Use one of these eight phrases:

"carcasherdotcom seocontest"

"carcasherdotcom seocontest for milk banks"

"carcasherdotcom seocontest for milk bank awareness"

"carcasherdotcom seocontest milk bank fundraiser"

"how carcasherdotcom seocontest helps babies"

"carcasherdotcom seocontest for premature babies"

"carcasherdotcom seocontest funding mother's milk"

"carcasherdotcom seocontest helps breast milk banking"

Leave the link on your site for the whole year. Post about it, add it to your blogroll if you have one, put a link somewhere on your personal site, whatever. (If you follow the "carcasherdotcom" link that I have in this post, or the link above my blogroll, you'll find more details about the contest.) If you know anybody else who wants to help out, get them to put a link on their website too. And then occasionally you can type the phrase into Google (or Yahoo or MSN) to see how she and everyone else in the contest is doing.

Or if you're really bored you can hit some SEO forums and read people talking about a) the contest b) SEO stuff. I happen to think it's really neat (aside from the fact that it's a good thing to know for my job).

PS - ***removed because I think this is cool and other people don't so whatever.***

PPS - Hey Carpetblogger, I keep meaning to put the Jooglebomb link on my site. Wouldya remind me if it doesn't happen today? Danke. :-)
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