The Girl in Black

Se necesita una poca de gracia.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

To everything there is a season...

I suppose it's inevitable. Feeling good for a while, and then feeling not-so-good for a while.

I mean, I'm okay. But it feels like something is missing and I've been trying to put my finger on it. Maybe it's just the season. Darker days, colder weather. Winter can do that to you. But I feel kind of lonely again. The kind that seeing friends alleviates a little. While you're hanging out with them.

But the rest of the time I feel empty.

Like, I hang out with people, but for some reason they're not exactly the right people. As if there's some sort of fullfilling connection I'm missing.

Normally I would denote this feeling as a want for "love." But I don't think I really know what "love" is. I know what "being in love" is. And I've had enough experience with not-so-good relationships to know that I don't need or want someone else to "complete" me or anything. I like my life the way it is thank you very much. And while having someone to live with is nice at times, I really value living on my own.

I don't even think a "relationship" is what I want, with ideas of "commitment" and "long term potential" and such. I don't even think it's a matter of getting laid. It's all well and good at times, but the act in and of itself is not entirely the feeling that I'm looking for.

And I know I'm beautiful/sexy/whatever. I really do. I don't need someone to make me feel that way.

There's something else I feel like I want at the moment. Like the feeling of having a "best friend" or something. Someone close, someone to feel connected to. I guess I'm missing that right now. But it's not something you can come by easily. And you can "fall in love" with a new friend just as surely as a new beaux.

Upon pondering all of this I had a funny thought. I want to feel like I'm "real." And I think what my subconscious means by that is that I want to be more mature. I'm tired of feeling like a little girl inside so much. And while I was so busy with work for those two or three weeks, I felt different. Mature. Competent. "Grown-up." Like people respected me, and my thoughts and actions mattered. And when I felt that way, I didn't need anyone at all. Which was strange, and probably wouldn't last in the long run, but it was nice all the same.

I can see why people become workaholics.


  • At 2:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hello Girl in Black,
    I loved to read your comments. Me being far away in Hamburg/Germany can understand your thoughts so very much and I like to keep in contact with you. You think just the same way I do although I am married, 2 children 16 and 12, but I lo v e my freedom.
    Wonder if I will hear from you.
    Best regards Eva

  • At 1:29 PM, Blogger The Fabulous Miss Rose said…

    Hi Eva. :-) Of course you'll hear from me, it just might take me a little while to post a comment back!

    Wow, 16 and 12? You're almost home free! *grins*

    Glad to know that there are people across the pond who love their freedom as much as I do. :-)


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