The Girl in Black

Se necesita una poca de gracia.

Monday, November 28, 2005

So I let disgust get the better of me...

...aaaaaand I deleted someone's comment.

But, because I was going to let amusement get the better of me and write some kind of "holier than thou" post in response, I realized that perhaps I should let the comment stand on its own merits. Thank heaven for comment delivery to my inbox.

Here's what IHateYou had to say:

"You are a dumb bitch, no one cares about how you feel or your stupid blogs, I just got dumber from reading that load of crap about how "I want to be someone else, but still myself". Your not Ghandi, your not Buddha, astrology is load of bullshit and so are you."

Bravo! My hat goes off to you, sir or madam, for actually taking the time to read my blog, thereby making your uninspired and insipid comments that much more targeted. I trust that the intelligence you lost from reading the one post wasn't too much for you?

I am also assuming that you mean to tell me that I am not Ghandi nor Buddha, instead of the other option, being a statement that I own the negative of them. Clever. However, if you really want to shatter my psyche for some reason, I suggest you try actually ripping my writings to shreds, rather than just pissing all over them. Trounce me with your intellectual prowess! Engage me in a heated debate! Come on lad/lass! Show some spirit! If you're going to take such unbridled glee in spreading negative thoughts about the internet, at least make it some kind of art or sport or something.

Oh, but what if it's true, and reading that post really did sap your intelligence? I suppose then you wouldn't be able to ridicule me with cutting jibes and witty repartees quite so well, would you...

Damn, I'm my own enemy's undoing.

At any rate, thank you for the distraction, IHateYou. Despite my initial displeasure with your blunt commentary, I've had quite a bit of fun because of it. I am sorry I deleted your words prior to this response. I hope you shall forgive me.

And now for something completely different,

A man with three buttocks.

Okay, so I've always wanted to say that. So sue me. ;-p

Anyway, it occurred to me today that part of this whole "lonliness" schtick of mine, and other slightly angsty thoughts I have been having (they're getting annoying, but more like a mosquito bite than an open wound, thank The Goddess) are occurring because part of me wants to feel this way. Seriously.

It reminds me of one of the many astrological "reports" that tarot.com sucks me into on occasion (the tarot readings are great, but the astrology reports can be hit or miss). It was analyzing how I am in relationships, and various other related things, and pointed out something that keeps popping into my mind.

"You associate close relationships with both longing and loneliness and may be unclear about roles."

There were a couple of other statements that seem to hit the nail on the head, but that really doesn't matter. What does matter is that I don't have to be the person my natal chart says I am.

What!? Miss Rose The Astrology Nut saying that astrology doesn't have to define a person?

There's a "secret truth" about astrology, actually. Most astrology is just a suggestion of how things probably are. Nothing is ever set in stone. And that goes for the personality defining stuff too. Sure, it's fun, and can be helpful in getting to know yourself and others (if you're into that kind of thing), but there are just as many good things as bad in anyone's chart.

And nobody has to be anybody forever.

So maybe there's something more I can be. But not just with that silly relationship crap. Maybe I can be better in lots of ways. I've worked through so much baggage already, maybe I can work through some more. Maybe I can be a "different" person entirely. The best "me" ever, even.

I can't shake the feeling that there's something more out there for me than what I have, and what I'm doing. Just because I don't know what it is doesn't mean it's not true or real. Maybe part of finding it is in further transforming myself into someone I want to be even more than I am.

But still me, of course. I'll never be anyone else, but I couldn't be anyone better. :-)

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

To everything there is a season...

I suppose it's inevitable. Feeling good for a while, and then feeling not-so-good for a while.

I mean, I'm okay. But it feels like something is missing and I've been trying to put my finger on it. Maybe it's just the season. Darker days, colder weather. Winter can do that to you. But I feel kind of lonely again. The kind that seeing friends alleviates a little. While you're hanging out with them.

But the rest of the time I feel empty.

Like, I hang out with people, but for some reason they're not exactly the right people. As if there's some sort of fullfilling connection I'm missing.

Normally I would denote this feeling as a want for "love." But I don't think I really know what "love" is. I know what "being in love" is. And I've had enough experience with not-so-good relationships to know that I don't need or want someone else to "complete" me or anything. I like my life the way it is thank you very much. And while having someone to live with is nice at times, I really value living on my own.

I don't even think a "relationship" is what I want, with ideas of "commitment" and "long term potential" and such. I don't even think it's a matter of getting laid. It's all well and good at times, but the act in and of itself is not entirely the feeling that I'm looking for.

And I know I'm beautiful/sexy/whatever. I really do. I don't need someone to make me feel that way.

There's something else I feel like I want at the moment. Like the feeling of having a "best friend" or something. Someone close, someone to feel connected to. I guess I'm missing that right now. But it's not something you can come by easily. And you can "fall in love" with a new friend just as surely as a new beaux.

Upon pondering all of this I had a funny thought. I want to feel like I'm "real." And I think what my subconscious means by that is that I want to be more mature. I'm tired of feeling like a little girl inside so much. And while I was so busy with work for those two or three weeks, I felt different. Mature. Competent. "Grown-up." Like people respected me, and my thoughts and actions mattered. And when I felt that way, I didn't need anyone at all. Which was strange, and probably wouldn't last in the long run, but it was nice all the same.

I can see why people become workaholics.

Friday, November 18, 2005

News from the front...

So I took today off of work to help with my mother's garage sale out at the lake house.

I had a lot of different things running through my head that I wanted to write about, and now that I am writing I've drawn a complete blank. I suppose the main thing is just the slight anxiety I've noticed I've had ever since I got here last night. I feel slightly trapped, as there's really not a lot to do out here, and I had to be outside with my mother and her neighbor, Trish, all day today. I drank coffee like a fiend (a whole pot of it to myself, strong) and ended up gorging myself on chinese food for dinner.

These are some of the signs of what I have come to term as "Uncomfortable Rose."

I never realized so clearly how much my own space is important to me. Which can really be anywhere, and translates to "alone time." Sometimes it can even involve other people (like when I took smoke breaks at LDI last weekend), but it usually requires me leaving my current circumstance and running off to acquire either a) coffee b) at least one cigarette or c) both. But even then I don't need to run off after my vices. I just need a change of scene, a chance to breathe, or something.

I used to think there was something wrong with me because of this, sort of. I can't really describe it except that today I've looked at it in a different light. It makes sense. And it doesn't mean I love my mother any less or anything.

*shrugs* I dunno.

The fun thing from today is that Trish makes really cool cigar box purses and swarovski crystal jewelry. (And yes, I am linking to her by these specific words to help spread the SEO love.) I got one with a picture of the Eiffel Tower on one side and the Arc de Triumph on the other. I love it muchly, and it is one of a kind. :-D

And I unwound by watching The Man In the Iron Mask. It's just an all-around fun movie with action, honor, romance, etc. that really isn't a brilliant cinematic work nor was it made to be. And I am a sucker for Gerard Depardieu. I think he was really funny as Porthos. (I pretty much ignore Leo DiCaprio's performance as Louis XIV. He made a better Phillipe, his Louis seemed forced. So much for the "Sun King.")

Thursday, November 17, 2005

At last! I feel like I am understood!

Well, kind of.

I was checking out one of my exs' blogs (Carpetblogger), and in his commentary about the emotional value of music and how he's upset that one of his favorite bands' songs is being used in a car commercial he mentioned how he can see why I would always get so upset about it. (I still do, but I just don't watch television anymore really.)

It's a good post. Check it out. The Soundtrack of our Lives...

"One of my exs'..." God that sounds so weird to say...

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

So I've been thinking...

I've been thinking it might be fun to write a "self-help book for people who don't like self-help books." I dunno, something more for people my age, maybe even a little younger. It's really alienating to read books written by and for people ten to twenty years older. I'm also well aware that not everyone is down with the touchy-feely talk.

What do you guys think? I want to make all us "young people" stand up and say "We're not dumb. We're not slackers. We're not powerless. And we're not going to let anyone else decide who we are and who we're gonna be. We're intelligent, capable human beings that demand respect." I want us all to feel empowered to do things like vote, and to change the system for real.

Except for the people who already think this way. They don't really need much help. ;-)

Monday, November 14, 2005

It's finally over...

And my feet still hurt.

Well, not all that much anymore. But I did do a number on my heels yesterday, having opted to switch to the cheap shoes I had opted not to wear for the other two days of the show. I threw in some Dr. Scholl's, so the bottoms of my feet were comfy. Unfortunately the backs of the shoes rubbed my heels raw, and no band-aid could solve the problem. It was rather amusing to be limping around during the load-out, only to remove my shoes in the parking lot on the way to the car and be able to zip along.

We waited four hours for all of our empty boxes to be delivered to the booth so we could pack everything up. Yeesh. One of our neighboring booths was playing loud music, and I couldn't help it, I had to dance. So I went over to the booth next door, who were wise enough to have comfy floor padding installed under their little square of carpet, and I started to dance. I definitely got some attention. *blush* But it was fun, and I really didn't care.

The funny thing about it was that normally I wouldn't have the balls to do anything like that. And here's the other thing; I didn't have a single shred of anxiety throughout the whole show. It didn't even occur to me until last night. This is amazing, because most times I am forced to be in circumstances where I talk to lots and lots of people, some of them important, I get anxious as hell. It wears me out. And now? None! I do believe the meds are working. This is simply amazing!

I'll be posting pictures, and probably giving more insightful commentary later.

In other news, I've taken to listening to NPR in the mornings now before work. It's kind of nice, and I can still listen to music in my car without worrying about missing much news. And I've been hearing a lot about the riots that have been going on in Paris in the last few weeks.

This is rather disappointing to me. My usual statement upon getting overly fed up with living in America is "That's it, I'm moving to France." But now the glamorous sheen has been taken off of my beloved "Gay Paree."

Call it self-centeredness? I hadn't realized that any "Western" country other than America had a problem with racial integration. I mean, yeah, there's going to be some sort of prejudice everywhere you go. But enough of a problem to cause riots for 18 days so far?? They use the number of cars set on fire every night as a standard of how bad things are. This is really sad. I guess European countries aren't as cool as I thought they were. Although I hear Denmark is nice...

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Okay, so sometimes working in the lighting industry is pretty cool.

Especially when you get to do things like go to Wet 'n Wild for free, at night, with free food 'n soda (and ice cream!), and no one in the park except for you, your cool coworkers, some of your friends, and a bunch of other people that you don't have to schmooze with at all.

And then you get to ride the awesomest water slide ever over and over and over and over and...

Well, you get the idea. OMG! I had such a great time! Two other rides were open at the park, "The Surge" and "The Black Hole." I rode all three. And yes, I was wary at first (know me long enough and know my dislike of heading downwards at an alarming pace of acceleration), but I realized that part of it was that I tend to shriek like a bain-sidhe ("banshee"), which embarasses me highly.

Or at least it used to.

All the shrieking was worth it. I rode Disco H20 about 5 times all told, The Surge twice, and the Black Hole once. Which was funny, because out of all of the water slides that I refused to ride as a child (all of them, basically), the Black Hole was my arch-nemesis. Other kids' accounts of it frightened me to death, and I vowed to stay away forever. Until some of my cohorts told me tonight that it wasn't nearly as intense as the ride that I'd been spending the most time on in the first place. So I gave it a shot.

Boy howdy, it was a lazy tubing run ride compared to Disco H20. What a surprise! In fact, the only ride I repeatedly wanted to go on was that one. Wow. I think I've come a long way.

Shame returning to the park in the heat of the Florida sun and having to wait in line would just spoil things now. But perhaps I shall return. I need to spread the love. And the best part is, in a way I'm connected to this, a water slide that people will willingly wait in line for repeatedly (sometimes even up to an hour or two). Not directly, but more than most of the people invited to this event. And that's pretty neat, y'know? How many other people get to talk about stuff like this?

And driving home on I-4, I felt the need for speed. Crusing along with my windows down, "Until The End Of The World" blaring from my speakers, the wind in my hair. I felt like that daring, wild, rebellious person that I've known I could be if I wasn't so afraid of things all the time.

But, no. I will not ride Splash Mountain again. And skiing is right out. ;-)

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

When do you start feeling like a grown up?

I review my life accomplishments from time to time, trying to find some sort of feeling of pride and self-sufficiency. Something to say "I've arrived at 'maturity'" (which isn't necessarily being a mundane "adult" type individual).

To review:

I am living entirely on my own with no financial support from family, roommates, or boyfriends.

I have purchased my own computer, and various computer accessories. (My brother's assistance with the latest acquisitions doesn't count, as I had purchased the initial computer myself beforehand.)

I have the experience of two art shows featuring all of my own works.

I lost a fuckton of weight, and have actually been keeping it off for the most part.

I have a college degree.

I have a full time "real" job with a salary and everything.

I have acknowledged that a) I have had a lifelong struggle with mood disorder and b) I have been getting help with that (again, all on my own)

I have a life

And yet, none of these things has made me feel like the mature person I think I should be feeling like. Self-sufficient, somewhat accomplished, able to make big life decisions. Until recently, that is.

For some reason, my recent little clothing shopping spree excursion has made me feel more mature and responsible than anything else on the list. It sounds a little shallow perhaps, but I've been breaking it down and it makes sense. I am making important decisions about how I will present myself to the rest of the world (at least at work). Decisions that balance out my personal style vs. a "professional" look. Investment decisions in well-made clothing that will last and help me look my best vs. cheap clothing that will stretch and wrinkle and ultimately make me feel horrid.

There's also the satisfaction of being able to tell the neurotic penny pincher in myself that I not only need these clothes (honestly, I have needed better clothing for a while now), but by spending a little more on the right things I won't be unhappy later and want to buy more things. (And I do still look for sales, although "sale" seems to hardly be such anymore.)

And now that I look like I want to, in clothes that make me look good (and that actually fit again) I feel better. I honestly do. It's amazing!

I suppose it's mainly because this is something tangible to me, something that I know and understand. It's not playing "dress-up" anymore, as opposed to the feeling I have had of "playing house" in my own apartment. That has gone away as well, but I've done the living-out-of-my-parents'-house-and-payi

ng-the-bills thing for so long that it doesn't seem to be that much of an accomplishment. (Taking pride in my apartment and cleaning it and stuff actually does give me a sense of maturity and responsibility, however.)

So here's to becoming mature, and not just playing "grown up."

 
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