The Girl in Black

Se necesita una poca de gracia.

Saturday, September 03, 2005


Or is it more of a denouement?

Anyway, I wasn't thinking about posting about this until he mentioned it to me (see, you have put ideas in my head), but I've had a pretty decent conversation with my ex. We've made up, and are friends for the most part.

I'm really happy about this. There were apologies on both sides, the good ones that we have both needed to hear from each other. Also, there were comments about the perspective gained by both of us, and I've found the ability to laugh (in a good way) about some of what has happened.

I feel really good.

There have been other things going on that have been dragging me down a lot, but I had a revelation about it last night. I had recently uncovered this old issue I have been carrying around for Goddess knows how long. It's so old that I forget about it and bury it and it still drives me subconciously to this day.

Somewhere along the way, someone somehow convinced me that I am a worthless piece of crap.

The sad thing is that I still believe this deep down, and it's yet another thing that has tainted my entire life. I suddenly realized very clearly that a lot of uncertainty about my career choices are because of this, not to mention the damage done to my friendships and relationships because of this. My friends may not see as much of it, because I can keep them at some kind of distance. But the closer someone gets to me (like, oh, say, a boyfriend?), the more I either convince myself that they don't like me, or I subconsciously try to convince them that they don't want to like me.

This can really put a damper on a girl's social life.

To his credit, my ex understood this, and in his way tried to snap me out of it. But ha! My will to dislike myself is much stronger. And now my new boy is now attempting to do the same. How many boys do I need to go through before I stop? I think I'm going to try to change this pattern now. For really real. I've done a lot more than let friendships go and make people frustrated with me. This dislike of myself has been so strong that to deal with it I spent a lot of time in my head. I would have visions in my head of how I felt I really was on the inside. It was fucking with my intuition, too, and I couldn't trust what was real and what wasn't.

The minute I uncovered this little treasure of a core belief, my daydreams of myself went away. It's been difficult to deal with the loss, but my intuitive abilities are intact, and I have the sneaking suspicion that I'll be able to trust myself a little more after I get this resolved. And I'm sure I'll still have visions and daydreams and other inspiring things. It all just has to change a little first.

I'm actually looking forward to what lies ahead.


  • At 10:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    A Brilliant introspective. Most of us don't have the courage to enter the room that mirror is in. I particularly, but at first unwittingly, warmed to the familiarity and charm of the southern phraseology; it’s enough to make an old black Virginia guy in Michigan homesick .


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