The Girl in Black

Se necesita una poca de gracia.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Who would have thought?


So first thing this morning, I get a phone call. From a headhunter. Telling me about how this
other lighting company in South Florida would offer me a lot of money to relocate and be in charge of people and make decisions and stuff.

My first thought was, how the hell does anyone think that I'm good enough at what I do to try to steal me away from where I am?

To be honest, I was curious, but there are a lot of reasons why I politely declined, including the fact that I really don't want to live in South Florida.

But more than that, I'm kinda happy where I am right now. On days when I'm not severely depressed I feel pretty good about my job, and the people I work with. All my coworkers are pretty awesome people, I get a lot of freedom to do stuff that I might not get anywhere else, and I can be pretty loyal. There's a lot that I'm trying to do right now that I want to see through. If I ever did leave, I would want to leave the place in much better shape than when I came in, and in a place where someone could easily take over without having to start all over again.

And as my coworker confidante says, it's really not all about the money.

Of course, this has never happened to me before, so I went into his office, wide eyed, asking if he could keep a secret. He grinned and basically explained that it happens a lot, and I don't need to worry about whether our boss knows or not. "Feels pretty good, doesn't it?" he asked.

Um, yeah, I guess so...

I can't help but feel oftentimes that I'm living some kind of lie. That I put on a good face, but it's really all just makeup and lighting tricks. And a lot of that comes from my tendency to see the ideal of what needs to be done, think of grand ideas and plans, and barely follow through on any of them.

In my mind, I know I should be so much greater than what I actually am.

And, of course, another friend of mine basically told me last night that I need to stop living in my head. Well, duh.

But just because I know that doesn't mean I know how to stop. Somewhere along the way I learned to only look outward for positive response that what I am doing is okay. It's been so bad for me lately that I can be happy and fine when I am around most people, when it behooves me to put on my pretty face. But when I'm left alone I crumble. It's like I can barely keep myself together.

Hopefully this will pass. Hopefully there is a psychiatrist who can help me. Drugs are never a complete answer to anything, but if I really do have a chemical problem (which I think there's a good chance of), then there's probably something out there that can help me function better.

It's just hanging on until then that's the hard part.

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