The Girl in Black

Se necesita una poca de gracia.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Swallowing my pride.

So for the past few days I've been taking a long, hard look at myself. And some of the things that I've seen haven't made me very happy.

I started reading a book my Melody Beattie called "Codependent No More." And some of the things I've read in it apply very directly to my relationships with friends and loved ones. Especially with my ex.

And I realize now that what I had thought was my acceptance and assumption of responsibility in how things went wrong didn't cover the larger picture at all, just the symptoms. And although I really did need to vent a lot of anger, hurt, and resentment towards him (I fully believe that emotions should be expressed), a lot of it was what I had brought on myself.

This isn't about blaming him, and this isn't about beating myself up. This is about really taking responsibility for my actions. This is about admitting that I was wrong.

We played into each other incredibly well. To use terms from the book, we "rescued" each other. We were "caretakers" for each other. We let that grow into resentment towards each other, and then into persecution of each other. And I don't know how much he did this, but I know that I would constantly turn it around so that I ended up being the "victim." I constantly became a martyr. And neither one of us saw it for what it really was.

And we kept it up for three years.

And now that I can see the big picture, I can't be so angry at him anymore. Certainly there are things that I still hurt about, things that I'm still bitter over. But they're trivial now. I can let them go.

Ever since I figured all this out, I've wanted to email him and tell him. Not to apologize, so much as to indeed say that I was wrong. I was wrong about being resistant to getting on mood medications. I was wrong about thinking I didn't need therapy. I was wrong about thinking that the big problems were only his, and that he was using me as an excuse to not focus on them.

But I don't know if it's the best time to contact him, really. It's been pointed out to me that I did just create a boundary between myself and my ex, and this would be breaking it down to an extent.

Honestly, though, I don't think emailing my ex would change anything, or fix anything. I don't know how he would respond. And it's not like I want to re-establish communication completely. I just hit that moment of revelation that happens when you realize and understand completely how you fucked up. The kind of revelation that makes you go back to people you've stopped talking to, to admit what you really did. The kind of revelation I was waiting for him to have.

But I had one instead.

So I might wait a little while, or not. But I think I really need to do this, mostly for myself. And yeah, part of me wants to warn him. Wants to suggest that he look this stuff up too, that he really look at himself. But I don't know if that's my business anymore. I don't even know how much of a part he would have played if I had acted differently.

So I just want to let him know that I was wrong, and that I'm sorry.


  • At 4:38 PM, Blogger it's Joseph said…

    Hey, awesome post! Your story reminds me quite a bit of my "plight" with my ex girl friend. The same sort of thing happened to me and we were very codependent. I love the taking responsibility part! It was strange when I look back and I see myself doing the things that I did. I think, as I was trying to be honest, that this really helped the healing process. Once I recognized what I did, it now becomes harder for me to do again and I'm able to act in a healthier manner. I think at least!

    I have had similar "ah ha's" in my part in relationships that you have and I think it would be wise not to contact your ex. From my experience (it may be different than yours) everytime I tried to make contact with my ex I fell right back into similar feelings. It doesn't necessarily mean I acted on them, just it was better to stay away from them because as much as I wanted to be like, "see! i've grown!" part of the growing process was allowing to let them go. I was respecting them by not being in their life, if that makes sense. And I've moved on to much better relationships.

    Anyway, I found you randomly, but I will continue to read! I think its great. Thanks.

  • At 1:02 AM, Blogger The Fabulous Miss Rose said…

    Oh definitely. Once you get that "aha!" moment everything seems to shift into focus and you can at least recognize when you're falling into a bad pattern.

    As for contacting my ex, I did and it went pretty well. For me it wasn't about saying "See! I've grown!" So much as a need to admit my faults and apologize for them. If it was about trying to show him that I've grown, I probably wouldn't have done it. Letting go is definitely important.

    Glad to hear that your relationships have gotten better! :-) And you've totally made my night. Random intelligent strangers commenting in my blog make me quite happy.


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