The Girl in Black

Se necesita una poca de gracia.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Time Travel, Blogger Style

So in a valiant attempt at procrastinating on leaving my apartment today, I let myself get sucked into reading old blog posts.

Have I changed?

I think I have. A whole lot has happened in what I suppose is a short amount of time and yet feels like forever ago.

The two things that seem to have noticeably changed are the jaunty semi-comedic writing voice that I had been using for a while, and the lenth of my posts in general. These may or may not be bad things.

It's funny, reading what I was thinking when my ex and I had first broken up. I used to miss him, I really did. And I was trying to be friends with him, I really was. And now?

Now the only thing I really miss is the convenience of having another person sharing my apartment. And I've found that I just can't be friends with him. I don't think I really mentioned it, did I? After a few random IM conversations and phone calls that all resulted in my further misery (and yes, I did bring some of that onto myself), I realized that I just needed to not hear from him. Ever. I've got enough going on in life as is, I uncovered a lot of anger towards him that I refused to admit was there initially, and I'm never going to hear him acknowledge that he ever did anything wrong.

And he's not changing.

Or, rather, he started changing for the worse, and he isn't getting better. And frankly, it's none of my business anymore. He doesn't listen to me anyway. Why should I bother? And I most definitely don't ever want him back.

I'm really writing a lot of this now because I haven't made much mention of it here. (I've done a lot of spleen venting in LiveJournal, and only if you are one of my "friends" will you ever know the full extent of it.) I figured it might be good for continuity's sake.

I don't think my ex is reading this anymore either.

But enough about him. I haven't really talked to him in two weeks, and I feel like maybe now I can finally let go and heal.

A lot of other things have changed. Living on my own is interesting. I feel a lot closer now to the girl I was in college, only I have a little bit more life experience and a "real job" to help me pay the bills. For the most part it's really great! There are, however, unfortunate things, like being sick on my own and having to do the dishes and laundry and cook for myself.

But my cats can sleep in bed with me every night, and I don't have to feel guilty that my place is still a mess.

It's my own space. It's something I've been wanting for a long time. It's peaceful, and comfy, and quiet, and sometimes lonely, but it's mine. All mine! If I can throw off the shackles of employment obligation in my mind, I even feel totally free! Lots of nights I just come home and tune out, or I go out to Stardust and hang out. I feel tired, or purposeless sometimes. But it's okay. Life is happening. It's going on. And everything is real.

There was this terrible effect my ex had on me, to put a pretty face on everything, say everything's just fine. When anyone does that, it invalidates them. There's honest, genuine stuff happening in people's lives, and even if it's messy it feels so much better to actually be honest about it.

And I've said this to my new boy (who has been with me through the thick and the thin of my unexpected depression), even though I've been depressed I'm still happy because I'm feeling something. I feel alive again.

Therapy's going pretty well too. I think my psychologist finally hit "pay dirt" in my inner workings yesterday. What started as a discussion about something current in life led to a lot of other things that have happened in the past, and a running theme with the way I see myself. She may just figure out who I am after all.

The best part is, she doesn't make me feel like anything I do is bad or wrong, she just observes. At first I thought this was strange, but I've found it very helpful. I don't feel guilty for anything I'm doing or not doing. I don't feel like I'm a "fucked up" person. I just am. It's amazing.

I've let go of the idea that my parents have control over my life (although things feel a little off between us now). And I've just let go of a lot of pressure on myself in general. I'm just getting by, day to day. And suddenly I'm having more "good" days than "bad" ones. And if I have a bad day, it's just a bad day. There will be other days to follow.

And the more people I talk to about the symptoms that my problems produce, the more I find that it really doesn't change their opinion of me one way or the other. (And if it does, "eff 'em.")

I suppose I should wrap up, this is probably a very long post by now. But I want to publicly acknowledge my boy (sweet, wonderful boy that he is). I thank him all the time, but I think I'm going to keep thanking him. He's given me a lot of support that I never thought I'd get from anyone. Everyone should buy him chocolate, because he's so wonderful. (Good, dark chocolate too. Not that paltry milk chocolate crap. ;-) )

1 Comments:

  • At 12:30 PM, Blogger AngiGrrrl said…

    I love how you can look into yourself without anger.

    I can't wait to see you new home!!!!

    :)

     

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