The Girl in Black

Se necesita una poca de gracia.

Friday, July 29, 2005

The Illusion of Permanence, the Reality of the Ephemeral

Apparently there really is very little that lasts forever.

I go back and forth on this, knowing the truth and being alternately okay with it and depressed by it. (It used to depress me a lot more when I was younger, I think.)

And yet, sometimes I still have this little hope that maybe someday I'll find something permanent. Something good and real that lasts. (And I'm talking very broadly here.) Usually I tend to slant towards the bad things being the constant, and the good things being ever so fleeting.

A lot of times, when I am in a good mood, I start thinking "Maybe I can always be this way." And, of course, when I think about it I am immediately met with another thought of "I'm just going to get unhappy again. This won't last." I rarely think the opposite when I am glum.

But I recognize the spiral of life. We go around and around, experiencing something for a time, moving on to something else, coming back sort-of full circle. That's life, and it can be an amazing thing.

But more and more I think that the way my moods cycle, it's a little bit more intense than the rest of the world. I'm not just happy and sad, I'm ecstatic and depressed, teetering wildly on this seesaw between madness and sanity. And no matter how many times I reach some form of happiness, it seems I just go right back down again.

And even though I know that it doesn't seem to matter much, I find that I am afraid of ecstacy.

If I reach these dizzying heights, it won't last. I burn out, I fly too close to the sun. And perhaps the disappointment of having to fall back to earth is why. But I still think it's a sad thing.

But that's just stuff going on in my life. There are a lot of changes going on with the people around me right now. It can be sometimes unsettling for myself, or even more so for the others who are going through it.

Why can't we ever just find the jello-mold of in between?

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