The Girl in Black

Se necesita una poca de gracia.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Tomorrow I go to Ormond Beach...

It's not exactly over the river and through the woods, but yes, I go to my Grandma's house tomorrow for Mother's Day. This should be interesting.

Yes, I know it's "interesting", but how can I put it in perspective for those who might not know? When my father (these are his parents we will be seeing) asked my brother and I to join them all, he used the incentive of "it's a free meal" to try to persuade us. That's how "interesting" things can get.

Not that I don't love my grandparents on some level, but I prefer that level to be at a somewhat safe distance. Our ability to communicate and understand each other is such a strained thing. Past any anger I may hold towards them, mostly they just make me sad. They isolate themselves from the rest of the world, and from us. My father cares for them both deeply, and wants to help them (their health is not what it used to be), but still they push him away.

What really gets to me is this past Christmas, they went through a lot of trouble to go shopping for gifts, even braving the mall during the holiday season. They meant so well, but so many of their gifts were off center. My mother (and my ex, has he was there) says that it really is the thought that counted, and I know this somehow. I had thought perhaps my guilt and sadness stemmed from selfishness, but upon reflection it's really that their giving makes the lack of relationship with them all the more poignant to me. I don't need things from them. I never wanted things, just them. And to know that we're not close, and probably never will be, breaks my heart.

And then there's the fact that they listen to Rush Limbaugh religiously... *sigh* At least my wonderfully, antagonistically liberal ex-boyfriend won't be there to incite an argument again, for the sake of everyone else but me. (Sorry honey, but I think that was one of the more amusing Thanksgivings I've spent with them. I really appreciated it, and I always will.)

In the immortal words of Kurt Vonnegut: "So it goes."


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