The Girl in Black

Se necesita una poca de gracia.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

So yeah, like, no big hurrahs or anything...

...but I'm going to try to quit smoking again.

Why? Oh, I'm not sure exactly. Why not? Originally I was going to start out this post with some humorous, witty dialogue such as:

So I said to myself, "Self" I said "you sure seem to be spending a lot of money on cigarettes."

"Why yes, yes I do," I replied back.

I continued on. "Perhaps this isn't the wisest course of action, seeing as there are all other sorts of wonderful things you can get and do with that money."

I pondered it for a moment. "Well yes, I suppose that's true..."

And the conversation could go on and on ad nauseum if I wanted it to. But I don't really want it to. And the money isn't really the reason either. It's more of a side-effect. No, really I think it's just a really random, silly thing for me to do. Why? Seriously, why not? Why not start? Why not stop? Ideally I'd like to be a social smoker, causally gesturing with lit cigarettes in clubs, bars, and coffeehouses, taking on this aspect to my personality only when I feel like it. (And there is also the fact that my new boy is quite handy with a zippo, a talent that I'd hate to squander so soon.)

But for now, for today, no smoking. Just the Nicorette gum. It's really not so bad, because you're not supposed to really chew it (so you don't taste it all that much, but the taste isn't that nasty to begin with IMO), and it does help for a little while. Thanks again to my ex, who not only left behind that first pack that helped get me back in the habit, but who also left behind the means to quit in the form of the Nicorette gum he barely used. (Why he felt the need to try to be so cold turkey about it I'll never know. Did he think he would appear weak if he used such a crutch? Of course he started popping the Wellbutrin as soon as he could... Ah, memories...)

And of course, all sorts of thoughts and fears are running through my head, but a lot of it is "what if I just substitute junk food for smoking again?" I don't really want to do that. It doesn't matter whether it's chemical or mental or what have you, addictions are only a means of hiding yourself from the world (hell, it I'm sure you could even be addicted to ikebana if you wanted to be). You really have to do some self analysis to notice this, because the shifts are subtle at first, so you don't think about it until you are perhaps in the thick of your new self and you don't even know how you got there. But I've definitely noticed the difference.

Which leads me to ask myself (and I may have posed this question to the audience before) if, for most of my life, behind the t.v. watching, the book reading, the ice-cream eating, the smoking, I was ever even really "there" at all?


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