The Girl in Black

Se necesita una poca de gracia.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Just another Manic Monday...

But I'm alright. No really!

I actually got some much needed rest this weekend (sleep doesn't help when there are things going on in the back of your head), and as a result I put together my aparmtent a little more. Hooray! (You still can only sit on about half of the couch, but who will really use the other half anyway?)

Of course, today I have to make it through all of work without a single cigarette (I cheated on Friday and snuck out at lunch). I mean it, no smoking at work, or in my car (except for a very limited amount on the commute to and from). If I can achieve that goal then I will feel that I have made good progress for the time being.

Of course, for some reason, whenever I am making a point not to smoke, and then I have food, I end up feeling really fat. Which causes me to panic, and sometimes this panic leads to even more food consumption. This could seriously put a dent in my zen-like outlook on things. Hmm...

And my mother emailed me today. Goddess love her, (because I do) but I can always tell when she's trying to find out things I don't want to tell her. Sometimes it's a very uncomfortable feeling, like she's pushing me, or digging into me or something. I don't think she realizes it feels quite like that to me, but when I'm in a mood to be left alone it's just plain old annoying.

And I've really been in a mood to be left alone lately.

"Tell me a story about your new boy," she says, which instantly causes my mind to draw a blank. A story? Like what kind? Does it have to involve me, or can it just be something he's told me? I don't know, the possibilities are infinite and unreachable at the same time. Plus there are just things that I don't think my mother really wants me to share, as they'd definitely be going into TMI territory. (Do you really want to know what kinds of kinky things your daughter is doing?)

But it's more than just keeping mum about the boy. Lots of things are going on that I just don't want to say. Sometimes things are just better left in my head, divulged only to the most carefully selected confidantes. Mostly because knowledge is power, and when other people know what you know, they have power over you.

...Okay, that sounds really cryptic. But it's true to an extent. Do you know how many times I've revealed some flight of fancy in my head, only to have it be accidentally crushed underfoot by an obtuse mind? Plus there's the nagging thought that, although my friends seem to love me dearly, they think I'm quite the flake. There's no need to reinforce that, is there?

*sigh* I know, excuses excuses. And my mom doesn't think I'm a flake. (And I know my friends don't care.) But come on! She's my mom! She's the only woman in the world who can command me to do something, and half the time I actually do it. (The other half of the time I rebel against it, but definitely feel guilty for doing so.) Despite what she says, that yes I am a grown woman with my own life, I still feel this pull to seek out her approval sometimes. I don't think this is unique to me, but it's frustrating as hell.

Which is why I just want to be left alone.

But I love her, and she deserves to hear something directly from me about my life rather than secondhand. So what will I tell her about my boy? *dreamy sigh* He does have the most beautiful eyes...


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