The Girl in Black

Se necesita una poca de gracia.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Occam's Razor

So, I may have my theories wrong, but isn't Occam's Razor the one wherein the simplest explanation is the correct one?

I have a small, and not very shocking confession to make. I've been buying my own cigarettes. (*gasp* Horrors!) Some of you probably figured that this was inevitable, but I wasn't so sure. I've known former smokers to be out in bars and clubs, bumming smokes and then not having any the next day. It just hasn't worked out that way for me.

And it's not like this is a problem with nicotine. That's only the current manifestation. The truth of the matter is that I just have an addictive personality, and if it's not cigarettes then it's something else. My ex very judgmentally pointed this out once, backhandedly stating in a bitter tone that I had replaced smoking with junk food. (He wasn't very happy that I had gained so much weight, but he wouldn't come out and say it.)

So I've been keeping rather quiet about it, partly because I haven't been sure of what to do, partly because I've been in a little bit of denial, and partly because I just don't want to hear anything from anyone. When I smoked before, I made a point to show people it was a part of who I was, but that doesn't seem right this time. It's just something I do, it's not a dominating part of my personality, or at least I don't want it to be. Therefore, if I do tell people (like my parents) then it's like saying "this is me and it's okay." So I haven't yet.

I was just out having a lunchbreak cigarette (the only time I will smoke at work), pondering all of this, when a quiet revelation came to me. I'm just not ready to give up being addicted to things yet. Whether it's food or smoking or people (another friend has pointed out that I used my relationship to fill the void left by all of the things I pushed out of my life, which has become quite clear to me in the recent months). So for now I'm going to have to be okay with it. I'm worn out from all of the other changes going on in my life, I just don't feel like working through this right now.

But I know I can, and I will, when the time is right.


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