The Girl in Black

Se necesita una poca de gracia.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

I'm Waking Up to Us...

I've been getting into a little bit of Belle & Sebastian lately, with one song in particular having floated through my head premonition-like since a month or two before my breakup.

It's a wonderfully melancholy tune, but since Belle & Sebastian is the "best Scottish band of all time" I decided to get some help understanding the lyrics
. Now, after having read them, I simply must say that the person singing the lyrics (whether it is actually heartfelt by the author, or it is simply a made up character) is a real dick. I can't feel sorry for anyone lamenting over things like how he "fed her [his ex] with a spoon" and "helped the kid survive." Not that I fully subscribe to such philosophies, but (in my opinion) this is a classic example of the male gaze if I ever saw one.

And yet, the season has arrived.

I realized this morning that the state of unsettled limbo that I have been in for the past month has come to an end rather suddenly. I can feel it deep in my heart chakra (where I sense most things like this) that the shift is over and now all of the remaining pieces will fall into place. The chapter is closed, and I find myself sad. I will miss the chaos, for it made things insteresting.

I've learned a lot, grown a lot, lost a lot, and regained a lot. I feel more comfortable with myself as a whole now than I ever have in my entire life, and I know that I can only move forward from this moment. I truly regret that my ex and I have parted ways, I honestly had hoped we would have grown into our happier selves together. He gave me what I needed at the time I needed it, and I know I've stated the sentiment before, but I will never forget him for that. I only wanted to give back to him in the same manner, but apparently it wasn't for me to do so.

Now that I know the general direction of our lives (at least for the moment), it's easier for me to see the good things about him again, and wish him all of the best (as I often do anyway). I myself feel so free, it is as if I have wings.

But even now as I greatfully whisper a "thank you for the opportunity" to all parties involved (mortal and not), I have another Belle & Sebastian song floating through my head. It's true, I always cry at endings.


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