The Girl in Black

Se necesita una poca de gracia.

Monday, February 14, 2005

My First Breakup

So yes, apparently there is life after love, and why not start up where I left off on this Monday of a Valentine's Day?

To answer the comments from my previous entry as The Fabulous Miss Rose:

-I am not abandoning art altogether, I am just figuring out where art fits into my life right now. Since my passion for creating it seems to be lacking, I have decided to re-evaluate exactly how art is important in my life (in all ways, appreciation, creation, etc.).

-Why start over from scratch with a new name and everything? Because I want a "clean break", a "fresh start", a "do-over" if you will. And I feel all weird inside when I know that there are people who know me that are reading my personal thoughts. However, the need to write is far outweighing the need for anonymity at the moment, and perhaps I should just be more open about things to people. And I will keep with the name change for the psychological benefit of starting over. You will notice that you can now get to this blog using :-)

-Transatlantic blog posts are indeed cheap.

Right. Now on to the title of this post. Why have I had such a need for melodrama in my previous postings? Well as you all have cleverly guessed, my beloved and I are no more. It has been officially so for a little over a week now, but the drama had been going on for the past month. Before that first month, I was apparently living an almost desperate lie of happiness as my former lover became more and more miserable without my noticing. (It's his life, so I won't go into detail save to say that I wasn't really the one making him miserable and we are both aware of this.)

This desperate lie was only such because of my own unhappiness, as forcing my free-spirited self into a stodgy 9 to 6 job has really taken its toll. Not to mention the fact that my tendency for introversion was seriously hurting my social life. So what was the one thing that could make me happy? My wonderful boyfriend waiting at home! Oh, how embarassing that I fell into the "love saves everything" trap. Even more embarassing that I fell into a long-term-committed-relationship so young? The jury's still out on that one...

So I've gone through a lot of crying, blaming myself, blaming him, being angry at him, being angry at myself, feeling free and beautiful, feeling like utter crap, and now I'm nearly back to crying. It's a very uncomfortable place to be in, missing someone who has been such a major part of my life for almost three years and then being terribly upset with them at the same time. I miss him terribly, and I regret a lot that has happened to and between both of us, but the "eat your vegetables" part of my brain is telling me that it's best to just move on for now...

Of course, the story continues, and he will return to our apartment at some undetermined time between now and mid-March to collect his belongings and move on. Nothing will be resolved to my liking until then I am pretty sure. (And it may not even be resolved after that. Who knows?)

In the meantime I have taken to consoling myself with expensive, but wonderful handmade bath products. I buy them in the storefront, I purchase them online, I have decided to try to love a product (or a brand, rather) as much as a person. Instead of being beaten down by Orwell's Big Brother (not the unfortunate tv show), I have been won over by the American Capitalistic society I live in. This is not just my undoing, it is the undoing of many a wearied soul.

Addendum: I got an unexpected phone call from my former lover this evening, and I feel a tad more resolved. It doesn't lessen the ultimate pain of rejection, but I feel there is a good solid hope for our continued friendship. That, and I plan to ease my hurts with day-after-Valentine's-Day-on-sale chocolate. On a bright side he is letting me keep our bed in exchange for two very awesome (and easier to transport) bar stools. Although the bed is still far lonlier without him...


  • At 12:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I am sitting here all sparkly from my new glitter bug and it is making me VERY happy! I like your new digs. Isn't it funny we chose the same one? :)
    Hooray you get to keep the bed!!!!!!
    I forgot that I don't advertize me email in my profile...duh!
    okay so please use with my user name to send me email. I am being all sneaky in hopes of avoiding the spam one normally gets from posting their email addy.


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