The Girl in Black

Se necesita una poca de gracia.

Friday, February 18, 2005

And when I finally kissed him the whole world began to ring...

I have this song in my head, and its musical tone has colored my mood for the whole morning. (It's called Song Against Sex, and you'll have to listen to the clip at Amazon. I'm not cool enough to post links to mp3s.) Sometimes you just need to experience the sleep-deprivation-induced delirium that is caused directly by having a wonderful conversation with someone late into the wee hours of the morning. Such was the bread and butter of my life in college, and such was the gift given to me by my Higher Goddess Self the night before. Dissatisfying job be damned, I feel good.

Have you heard of A Softer World? These kids are making the sequential art of my deepest dreams, all beautiful and sad and hilarious at the same time. One of them is writing a novel to help pay his college tuition. Do I need to say anything else?

My ex returns to the apartment on Tuesday to mixed feelings. I am left with the questions of "Do I feel comfortable with the two of us living roommate style for an undetermined amount of time?" and "Do I really want to let him sleep in the master bedroom while I take the guest room?" At least life is moving on.

I reconnected with one of my dearest friends yesterday. She and my mother both confirmed the utter disappearance of myself during the course of my relationship ("You went from being a Goddess to a...a mouse!"). And how can I be angry at myself for it? I watched as I smothered myself, but I was like a sleepwalker, only half aware of what I was doing. Now that I am more awake, I really only feel a tremendous sorrow about it. I didn't think it would happen to me. And if it happened to me then it can and will happen to many other girls and women. How many of us are strong enough and secure enough in ourselves to truly stand up to external pressures, no matter how loving and well meaning they are, and demand that our truest selves be respected? How will I be able to teach the future daughter that I hope to someday have that she needs to stand strong and not allow others to define her?

For that matter, how will I manage to not lose myself again if I ever do have children? It's not like it's a major priority in my life, but it is a hope for someday. I had thought that I would live a good chunk of life first, and then prepare to devote my life to my children. But this week's cover story in Newsweek has splashed the cold water of reality in my face, and I must now steel myself against this new threat to my psyche.

If you think that the issues brought forth by feminists were all resolved in the 60's, you haven't been paying attention. The definition of feminism itself is actually a little sexist in my mind, as it discusses the equality of both genders, not the superiority of the one as the word could imply. Why is the equality of the sexes put in a "women's realm" and not labeled in a more gender neutral fashion? What an insidious world we live in sometimes.

Disclaimer: Men are not evil. Nor are boys. In fact, many of my good and very bestest friends are of the heterosexual male persuasion. Plus I'm also really rather fond of male genitalia. But I really honestly love and respect them for their minds. Their throbbing, pulsing minds.

3 Comments:

  • At 3:22 PM, Blogger Antar said…

    "Men are not evil. Nor are boys. In fact, many of my good and very bestest friends are of the heterosexual male persuasion."

    Uh-huh.

    Suuure. ;)

     
  • At 3:44 PM, Anonymous Jeff Skinner said…

    Quoth Rose:

    "How many of us are strong enough and secure enough in ourselves to truly stand up to external pressures, no matter how loving and well meaning they are, and demand that our truest selves be respected?"

    The only truly lasting painful things in life are experiences we don't learn from. I don't think this is the case here.

     
  • At 11:16 PM, Blogger The Fabulous Miss Rose said…

    So, Antar, are you saying that you're not of the heterosexual male persuasion? ;-)

    "The only truly lasting painful things in life are experiences we don't learn from. I don't think this is the case here."

    I sure do hope so. It's easy to "fall in the hole" again, so to speak.

     

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